I just got into a pair of my Fatter jeans! No, that's good a good thing. My clothes are divided into Fat, Fatter, and Fattest, so that means I am moving down. Actually, they are probably a pair of the bigger ones of my Fatter ones. It might have been one of the smaller ones of the Fattest ones but I couldn't wear it a few weeks ago and now I can. The really good thing is that the Fattest ones are getting a little baggy. Soon I hope to be in all the Fatter ones. Are you keeping up?
As long as my Fattest clothes were still fitting okay I just stayed the course. After all, the last two times in my life I was really skinny I got pregnant, so I decided to quit that. Then finally a couple of years ago, being in my sixties now, I decided that there was probably no danger of pregnancy, so I went on a diet and lost 30 pounds. Guess what. Breast cancer! Now, there may not be any actual statistics supporting this connection, but you've got to wonder. I mean, all the literature, all the medical staff, everybody at the Breast Clinic kept saying. "Don't diet now." Maybe they know something they aren't telling.
When faced with having to spend actual money to replace all the Fattest clothes, however, since the washer seemed to be shrinking every one, ("tight" in my case doesn't always refer to how my clothes fit) and thinking, "It's been over a year now, maybe it's safe," we started working on that weight thing again. By we I mean Dennis and me. You can only do this if everybody you cook for is on the same page, so you girls with young children, nobody blames you.
I have been in groups before and young things who look like they could still buy their clothes at Children's Place will sigh dramatically and say, "Oh, if I could just lose these five pounds." After the initial urge to slap them silly (if I put all my weight into it they might be gone till next Tuesday) I stop and realize they are right. There was a time when all I wanted to lose was five pounds. If I had done it then, it wouldn't be such a long haul now. Think about it. You slip out of your skinny wedding dress, you gain even just two pounds a year, then all of a sudden you've been married forty-five years--you do the math-- and Children's Place for clothes shopping has turned into Big Mama's.
Can you believe there was actually a store in Oklahoma City for plus-sized ladies called Big Mama's? Like I wanted to walk around with a shopping bag with my own mean-spirited slur on it! It didn't last long, no surprise. And what does "Plus Size" mean, anyway? Are all the other sizes "Minus Sizes"?
I don't really want to get down to my pre-pregnancy weight. After more than 35 years I don't remember much of anything pre-pregnancy anyway. Besides, if I lost that much weight there would be so much extra skin left over we'd be able to tan it and make a set of luggage. And "fluffy" is more grandma-ish anyway. More for hugging.
When Josh and Jake were little a family joined our church whose mother, the likes of whom they had obviously never seen before, was elegant, glamorous and model slim, wearing a dress size less than the number of wheels on a trike. Josh and Jake seemed to look at her for a long time, then I heard the discussion. Jake: "Is that their mom?" Josh: "Naw, she's too skinny to be a mom." Man, I love those boys!
I'm not in too big a hurry. I'm going slowly, leaving room for chocolate once a day so we don't get desperate and give up. So, here's a Household Hint: If you are newly pregnant or just moving in between sizes, take a rubber band, slide it through the buttonhole on your pants, then loop both ends over the button and give yourself more breathing room.
If I'm into my Fat clothes by Christmas it will be like I have a whole new wardrobe.
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