Plumbing Inequities

     There was a lady on the news last night who, even though she was afraid of heights, got talked into going on a ride at Knott's Berry Farm that went three hundred feet into the air, and then it got stuck up there for four hours.  She said she had a panic attack and now she has overcome her fear of heights.
     Well, I'm glad for her but what I want to know is: how did she manage to hang three hundred feet in the air for four hours without a bathroom? I can't walk around on firm ground for four hours without a bathroom.
     Bathrooms are my friends and I know most of the good ones in the Tulsa area and much of Oklahoma City. I visit them frequently to keep up our acquaintance. Quik Trips, of course, have some of the best and they do win the prize for being on almost every corner. But libraries are good and Reasor's grocery stores. Wal-Mart and Target, for sure. And Sam's. Any McDonald's. Twice I've dashed into Jack in the Box to use their bathroom but I don't buy food there. They may have encountered this beforecause the lights seem to be on an automatic timer and both times I've been there they have gone out when I was inside. Or maybe the manager figured out I wasn't going to buy anything and turned the lights off from a remote location. FYI, you want to avoid most gas stations, especially the ones where the door to the restroom is on the outside of the building. Just keep driving.
     I know you're thinking, "Well these things happen when people age," and that would be true, but in my case it has been this way all my life. When God gave out bladders I got the small, sample size.  Some of my relatives, (and by some I mean one) however, got the Lake Erie model. It is a bit of a problem when we  travel together. I was very happy when that person was pregnant, you know how pregnant people are, and for a few blessed months she didn't feel I was slowing down the trip when I wanted to stop at every rest area on the turnpike.
   We've all seen the commercials for bladder control medicine (and in fact, I think they modeled the whole scenario after me. I should get a royalty.) but when my doctor gave me a sample of one of them the directions had a monthly diary/calendar in it  For medicine to work, you were to chart your behavior changes. And directions: "Drink less fluids, make yourself wait a little longer between times, etc." Well, duh! I don't have to take an expensive medicine to do that stuff. If I wanted to.
     Okay, I drink a lot. No, not that. I start off the morning with a glass of ice water, usually go on to a large Diet Coke by 10:30 or so and the reason I like to go out for breakfast is that I can refill my Coke a couple of times. I have decided against moving to New York City now that they have that law against selling drinks larger than sixteen ounces. The McDonald's in Broken Arrow has half price on all drinks from 2:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m. right now---that's fifty cents!--- and it would be un-American not to take advantage of that! But we drive through; I don't refill it. Then water till bedtime again. I usually have a glass near me all evening. And a glass of water on my bed table.
     The most I manage to wait between bathroom breaks is when we are watching television at night and Gus, the Wonder-Yorkie, is asleep on my lap. I don't want to disturb him, so I wait. And wait.  And pray for a squirrel or something  to make a noise outside so he will jump up and run to the window. Speaking of television, one of my favorite things is the pause button on the DVR. You don't have to wait for a commercial any more if you need to make a short trip somewhere down the hall.
 I did pull off about a four hour wait one time a couple of years ago, but let me tell you it was not easy.  At the four hour point I was desperate. And at times like these, sometimes you just have to get inventive. In fact....just turn away here and go read your e-mail if you're squeamish.
     It began when I took Dennis out to Glenpool to interview with a prospective consulting client. I waited in the car. I don't usually mind waiting if I have a good book, but then it got dark. And cold.  And the fifty-four ounce Diet Coke I had consumed on the way out there was...how shall I say this?  Wanting out. Desperately.
     Now, I didn't know if Dennis had told the client I had driven him or not. I didn't want it to appear that Dennis was limited in any way until he got the job so I didn't want to announce my presence by going in and asking for a bathroom. (Turns out he had, but I didn't know that then, now did I?) I had seen signs for a Quik Trip and a McDonald's about a mile back down the road. But there was one more problem: there is a security gate on the driveway to that building and it locks at dark. If I left I couldn't get back in.
     The conference room faces the glass front door and I could see Dennis and the client from where I sat in the parking lot. They seemed to be having quite a grand deliberation. There was gesturing.  There was writing on a white board. There appeared to be deep discussion. There did not appear to be any getting up to leave. We had arrived for the appointment at 4:00. It was pushing 8:30.
     I went through all the options in my mind and there didn't seem to be any. Well, I did have that fifty-four ounce cup. Desperate times call for desperate measures, as my mother-in-law used to say, and I won't go into any more details.
     Dennis came out about 9:00.  He has been consulting with this client ever since that time, which is really kind of a long time for a consulting gig. Sometimes when I go to pick him up he is still in meetings but now I know they have a very nice bathroom in the office.